I barely recognise myself. I don't understand what the hell has come over me.
By standard terms, I have had a weekend from hell. Metaphorical rejection has been rife, even if nobody has said 'no', I have been uninvited to THREE events, not chosen as the winner for a competition which was important to me, and watched my unrequited love drift further and further out of reach into the arms of another girl. I know that all sounds incredibly melodramatic but let me tell you now: it is all completely true and unexaggerated. I can write all this down in plain undisguised facts because, quite simply, I am fine.
Of course, writing that last paragraph out, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel little twangs of something which I can't quite put my finger on, but which isn't nice. But the main thing is that I haven't collapsed into tears. Tears which I am not bottling up because I am experiencing the weirdest sensation of not caring. Yes, I did write a wonderfully affirming post on this last Tuesday, but continuing in the spirit of total honesty, it didn't make much difference. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday's shitness were all just self-denyingly so.
Then on Saturday I got a film out from the library, one which had been intriguing me for a while but which I haven't got round to seeing because the blurb always seemed depressing, something I definitely DON'T need. And not depressing in a usefully detached from reality way, either, but real truthful depressing. But I watched it anyway. How wrong was I?????
Again I am going to border on melodramatic histrionics in just a moment, but I don't care. THIS FILM SPOKE TO ME. Everything it said about the ultimate search in life being for meaning and happiness all directly linked to beauty is exactly what I believe. With that in mind, how much more uplifting could the message be that beauty is everywhere? Even in plastic bags floating in the wind?
Even in a girl who is insecure and wants a boob job, even in a girl who has never had sex?
Even in a middle-aged man who has lost everything?
Everywhere. So logic must conclude that my life must be simply bursting with beauty and it doesn't matter that I have been rejected a few times. There is no point putting on a fake front; 'In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times' is completely untrue and a lie in itself.
But even if that train of thought is somewhat logical, I still can't explain how I got the essential message which really uplifted me. I'm walking around with a feeling of 'stop thinking; everything is going to be fine in the end' which has come from a film where things really turn out the complete opposite of fine.
That's just what I heard when I watched the film. Does this ever happen to you? Have there been moments when you have been struggling a bit and then something completely unexpected which doesn't make much sense comes and changes things?
I just thought you might like an update, and maybe even a suggestion if you have found yourself feeling as I have described, or experiencing what I have, two categories which I am 100% sure every single person on the planet would fit into both of.
PS: By the way, in this little essay I bashed out instead of my coursework, I forgot to mention the film's name. American Beauty if you hadn't already worked that out.