Thursday, 2 April 2009

sad eyes

As you may have been able to tell from my tone recently, I have not been in a good mood. Why?
  • Head-aches, stomach-aches, a constant runny nose. Hay-fever... PMS... swine flu??

  • Boredom with work, a complete lack of interest in how an electrical plug works and in which order which wars happened when.
  • Important exams which I will be about to start in exactly ten days and two hours, exams about how an electrical plug works and in which order which wars happened when.
  • Teenage angst about body image. Throw in some more teenage angst about boys and you could pretty much have a crying wreck with those two things.
  • Things I need; things I've lost. A very important book which I can't find. My prescription sunglasses. My good mood.
  • And then this morning a rejection letter which I have been waiting for, for weeks and weeks. Not the rejection letter, I was waiting for the acceptance letter and I got the wrong one. This morning fate decided to be cruelly ironic nd send me two letters. The first one I saw, the only one I saw at first addressed to me, was satisfyingly large like a big acceptance letter with lots of application forms inside. It wasn't that though; it was a letter from a bank sending me my new debit card in a disguised envelope so that it wouldn't get lost. And then, the second letter, small and disappointing.
  • Along with the letter, a whole postoffice-ful of negative emotions about boredom and loneliness and talentlessness.
As I tried to regulate my breathing, as the painful spasms slowed down I knew that I was sharing the unhappiness which reaches every other person on the planet. I knew my sadness would pass, and that since it wasn't much fun, I should help it pass swiftly. But I also knew that even if getting dressed and shopping and working and seeing friends are all things I need to do, I'm not sure if I'm alright with letting tears stop. That's how grief is, isn't it? You want it to go, but you don't want to move forward you want to move backwards and if you allow the grief pass you are moving so far forward, leaving the oblivious cheeriness even further behind.

I couldn't let my tears wash away leaving no sign but a red nose which was there anyway due to hayfever. I had to capture it. But can you see all that in a photo? There's the redness and the shine that might point to tears and crying. But that could be an eye infection, or yet again hayfever or some other allergic reaction. Can you see sadness too?

Note: once I had completed and spell-checked and uploaded photos to this post, I was a lot calmer. My eyes were completely dry; if you took a photo now, I would just look a little scruffy (I haven't fixed the hair yet... or tried to conceal the cut on my eyebrow). And with my calmness I felt more than a little embarrassment about this post. I wondered what the point was in writing it, since it definitely doesn't fit into the parameters I described for the content on this blog just yesterday. Is this overflowing a little too much into a journal style of writing? I came very close to deleting this post. Instead, I decided to add this note in which I request that anyone reading this, please don't be embarrassed into silence. Add your own anecdotes of moments when you have felt like this, tried and tested hayfever remedies, feel free to throw in a few compliments to flatter me... wouldn't that make this whole thing seem a little more comfortable? I just knew that I had to write this, and I hoped you kind readers wouldn't mind that I wrote it here. Thanks.


  1. Dear, I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted...
    I hope you're feeling better now (well, you say you're, so read it well).
    Remember this shall pass and you'll have great times, I'm so sure.

    Have a nice weekend, and good for you to have vented.


  2. I'm glad you didn't delete this post because it's you, your life right now, something real. I'm glad you didn't give out tips on how to feel better. But I hope you feel better now.

  3. Ah, thanks girls you're very sweet. I chickened out and changed the post date to the beginning of April so as to hide this post without actually deleting it but your feeds must have found it!